Recently, I came to a realization. It was creeping in, slowly but surely and one day it hit my brain: I don’t like going out anymore because I am single! Usually people like going out when being single.. to mingle. The thing is, I enjoy being single and there is no wish to change this. However, it seems like I have hit an age at which it is simply not acceptable (at least for others) that I am single. No matter where I go, be it just casually going out meeting friends and consequently other people through them, be it a work function or, and that’s the saddest part of my realization, be it just going home to Germany to see my family.
The first two occasions are easy to handle, I get asked if I am married, I say no. Then I get asked if I am seeing someone, again I say no. Awkward silence. And I am enjoying it. The awkwardness is on their side – not on mine. I actually came to a point where I am thoroughly enjoying seeing that the other person doesn’t know what to say at this stage of the conversation.. Uups and I cannot offer you the usual children-nappy-school conversation either. Here, a lot of people my age don’t know what else to say.
Nonetheless, I have come to a point at which I am sick and tired of telling people that I am actually enjoying being single. It’s definitely not because of a lack of interested men (I think I still have about three more years left – after that the interest of men in me might disappear), it’s because of a lack of me being interested in men. The one that can sweep me off my feet and is not afraid of commitment just hasn’t crossed my path yet and the few times in my life I thought there was a potential candidate, he went the other way instead of going the same direction as me.
So, instead of choosing to feel pressurized to answer about my single status, I chose not to go out at all. Socially and if avoidable also for work functions.
Now, going home is another issue. And I am not talking about my closest family members. It’s the others. Why are they so interested in my personal life? Am I only a whole person if I am in a relationship or married? Get the irony? I am whole on my own, I don’t need another person to make me whole!
I promise, there is nothing wrong with me just because I “cannot keep a man” (or possibly don’t want to keep a man) but that’s the stigma: if it’s a woman, it’s “cannot” instead of “want not“. So, this is one of the reasons I haven’t been home in 9 months and I am considering not going for Christmas either: Because I don’t want to hear the question “when will you find a man”. Rather tell me: We are so proud of you! You are a single woman in a foreign country, no family support whatsoever and you are actually doing great for yourself! You have achieved a lot career-wise for your age and all of this on your own. You are living on your own in a country that is known for a high crime rate and we actually admire how brave you are.. blah blah blah…
Why is it that I am only defined on my marital status? Am I not worth your dinner table on my own? Oh, it is probably a table that hosts only an even number of people and me coming alone will mess this even number up and make it uneven.
The other day, I did this experiment of putting up what’s app profile pictures showing me with a man and I changed it every couple of days to a new picture that showed me next to another man. All men are friends of mine. Some are gay, some are purely platonic friends. Guess what? I received so many messages from family and friends interrogating me about the man in my picture.. I wish I could have gotten these many messages when I posted something about my new job a couple of months ago. A very good promotion. Nope, me succeeding in my job and career is apparently not as much of an achievement as me getting a boyfriend.
What this does to me, is that it makes me a hermit and stay at home and on purpose focus on other areas of my life other than men. Simply because: the more anyone pressurizes me, the more I purposely head into the opposite direction.